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HUNKER'S P 







A l-'arce in One Act. 



BY CLARA .1. H. I 



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HUNKER'S P. O 



A FARCE 

=IN== 

ONE ACT 



BY CLARA T- H. HURD. 

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PRESS OF 

Savers & Goldsmith, 

COR. ONTARIO & HURON STS.; 
CLEVELAND. 



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, 12142 



^iop«ry of Cons3.r-s. 

Two Copies Received 
SEP 1 1900 

Copyright entry 



SECOND copy. 

Delivered to 

ORDER DIVISION, 

SEP 6 I90U 



Copyright 
igcx). 



74259 



Iiunkcr's P* 0. 



Last evening the people of All Soul's Universalist 
church gave a play which was a- pronounced success. 
It vividly depicting the lives of the country people of 
a Western Reserve village, gathered at the store. Mr. 
A. E. Kelly as Uncle Doolittle, Mr. H. W. Clark as 
Washington Worthless, and Mrs. E. P. Bonner as 
Emilj' Swift, seemed to have missed their calling and 
reflected due credit upon Mrs. F. S. Hurd, the author. 

The jokes were sparkling with wit and humor, 
and were immensely enjoj^ed by an overcrowded house 
reminding one of a vacation in a rural district. The 
entertainment will be repeated this evening. — Cleve- 
land Plain Dealer, May nth, igoo. 



flt ''Bunker's P* 0* 



The play given by the people at the Universalist 
Church last evening was a success, being pronounced 
by many the best thing of its kind ever given in the 
city. Mr. E. A. Kelley as "Uncle Doolittle," Mr. H. 
W. Clark as "Washington Worthless," and Mrs. E. 
P. Bonner as "Emmy Swift" were especially clever 
Great credit is reflected upon the author and manager 
Mrs. F. S. Hurd of this city. The stage setting ex- 
hibited the full stock of a country store. The wit was 
new and sparkling, the jokes were all up to date, and 
the audience that filled the vestry to flowing laughed 
from the beginning to the close. The wit, music, 
stories, and costumes were like a tonic and refreshed 
like a vacation in the country. The entertainment will 
be repeated this evening. — Cleveland Leader ^ May nth, 
I goo. 



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0a$t of Kbaracters* 



Mr. True. 


Storekeeper. 


1 


Mrs. True. 




i 


Uncle Doolittle, 


Oldest Inhabitant. 


1 


Washington Wortliless. 




5 


Emma Swift, 


Hired Girl. 


1 


Mrs. Simpkins, 


Village Gossip. 




Mr. Simpkins. 




1 


Mrs. Green. 




1 


Reuben Wliite. 




i 


Mr. Hill. ) 
Mrs. Hill. ]■ 


City People. 


1 

1 
1 


Mirandy Jane Smith. 




i 


Susan Peters. 




- 
1 


Mrs. Warren. 




^ 


NelHe. 


School Ma'am. 


1 


Eva Todd. 




1 


Kitty Smart. 




1 


Jennie Jones 


Bride. 


i 


Jimmie Mills. 




1 


Henry Jenks. 




% 


Italian. 




1 


Tramp. 




i 


Drummer. 




1 


Bear. 




i 



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Door to store, center back; door from store to kitch- 
en, left front. Post office left back, counters and shelves 
on sides, groceries on right, cotton cloth, calico, sundries 
of all kinds on left. 



Properties^ 

Brooms, crackers, cheese, herrings, feather duster, 
rakes, postal cards, letters, papers, box of sawdust, pac- 
kages of groceries, box of old fashioned hats, mail bag, 
bundles, lanterns, whips, clothes lines, clothespins, scales, 
old fashioned leather mittens, overalls, stockings, rubber 
boots, shoes, tinware, lamps, lamp chimneys, oil cans, 
candy, gum, tobacco, cigars, fly paper, pitch forks, mop 
sticks, codfish,' nail kegs, jug, basket, slate pencils, candy- 
cigars, nails, pocketbooks, frying pan, broken teapot, 
calico, soap, comb, etc., etc. 



Costumes* 

Mrs. True, Mrs. Green, Emma, Mrs. Peters, Mirandy 
and Jennie Jones, in plain calico gowns. 

Mrs. True, Mrs. Green, Mirandy and Jennie in light 
calico or white spouse. 

Emma, a blue and white gingham apron. 

Mrs. Simpkins, old-fashioned wool gown, bonnet 
and shawl. 

Emma, Mrs. Green and Jennie wear sun bonnets. 

Nellie, dark skirt, shirt waist, sailor hat. 

Mr. and Mrs. Hill, modern, stylish dress. 

Small boys, calico waists, trousers about four inches 
below knees, buttoned to waists by large, white buttons. 

Little girls, sleeve aprons. 

Reuben's shirt, Jimmie and Henry's waists, Susan 
Peters, Jennie Jones' and Kitty's apron all to be made 
from the same calico, rather striking pattern. 



HUNKER'S P. O. 



Ciirtiiin rises ami discloses Mr. True tipped back in chair feet up 
on nail keg, apparently fast asleep. Flies disturb him and he wakens 
yawns, rises, goes aver to window and looks out: 

MR. TRUE, 
(Going to door, left, into living rooms and calling:) 
Mother, Mother, can you come in an' tend store for awhile? 
I want to go over to the blacksmith shop. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Outside. 

Yes, I'll be there in a minute, soon as I can rinse out my 
dish cloth. 

MR. TRUE, 
Straightening "Boxes, etc. 

Thet pesky cat has been sleeping in the box of codfish agin. 
I'll have to make a cover for thet box sometime. ( Takes up Cod- 
fish and dusts it with a feather duster.) 

{Enter Mrs. True,) Left 

MR. TRUE, 
All right, mother, I'm off. (Meets {Mrs. Peters carrying jug, 
just entering Center.) Howdedo Susan. Mother" 11 wait on you. 
(Exit.) Center. 

MRS. PETERS, 
Howdedo Charity. Where's thet swift girl ye got from the 
lower corner to help ye? Can't she just step out an' watch old 
Fannie a minute? I'm in a hurry an' and it won't pay to hitch. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Emmy, come here, Emmy. 
(Enter Emma) Left. 

MRS. TRUE, 
You jest .step out an' watch Mrs. Peters' horse while she 
does a little tradin' 

( Exit Emma. ) Center door. 

MRS. PETERS, 
I'm goin' up to Mary Ainie's to borrow her big kettle. Our 
apples is rottin' terrible bad, an' I'm goin' to make some on 'em 
up into mince meat to save 'em, I want .some sale molasses an' 
raisins fer it. 



HUNKER'S P. O. 



MRS. TRUE, 
( Preparing to weigh raisins. ) 
Raisins is up, how many you want? 

MRS. PETERS, 
I want a pound. How much be they? 

MRS. TRUE, 
Fifteen cents, but ther're nice. 

MRS. PETERS, 
Fifteen cents — Mercy sakes. I guess I wont take none. 
Mis Judd got two pounds to the Falls yesterday. I'll borrow a 
pound o' her till they're cheaper. I want two quarts o' sale mo- 
lasses. How much is that? 

MRS. TRUE, 
Thirteen cents a quart. 

MRS. PETERS, 
Land that's high too. I can git it to the Falls for twelve an' 
a half cents. I wont take but a quart here. Fll get the other 
quart to the Falls. How much is aigs. 

MRS. TRUE, 
We've ben givin' ten cents. 

MRS. PETERS, 
Well, these is Bramy aigs, they're bigger an" worth more. 

I can git 

{Enter Enwia.) Center door. 

EMMA, 
Wal, she's gone. 

MRS. PETERS AND MRS. TRUE, 
Who's gone. 

EMMA, 
The Horse. 

MRS. TRUE, 
I told 5-ou to watch her. 
{Both run out. ) Center door. 

EMMA, 
I did watch her long's I could see her. I couldn't watch her 
through a hill. 



HUNKER'S P. O. 



{Enter Mrs. True.) Center door. 
MRS. TRUE, 

Now tliet's too bad. She'll have to walk clear home an' 
start over agin. You can go to work at them hit an' miss carpet 
rags, Emmy. Be kind o' saving o' the green. I'm a leetle short 
on green. 

{Exit Emma. ) Left door. 

^Enter Mrs. Warren, ) Center door. ( With face bajidaged. ) 

MRS. TRUE, 
Why, whatever is the matter, Mrs. Warren? You look ter- 
rible bad. 

MRS. WARREN, 
I've ben hevin' the aw^fulles time with teeth ache. I thought 
I'd jist run in an' ask you what to do fer it. You can mo.st alius 
help a body. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Hev ye tried horse radish leaves an' mustard plaster? 

MRS. WARREN, 
Yes, both, but it gits worse an' worse. 

MRS. TRUE, 

Wal, I believe I'd keep a hop bag wrung out of hot vinegar 

on there for a .spell, that's soothing. If thet don't ease it you'd 

better try hot mush poultices. I'll drop in to-night an' .see how 

'tis. Hev ye got hops? I'll be sure to see you before bed time. 

MRS. WARREN, 
Yes, I got hops an' I'm much obliged. 
{Exit Mrs. 'Barrett.) Center door. 
{Enter Mrs. Greeji,) Center door. {carrying a tin pail.) 

MRS. GREEN, 
Howdcdo Miss True. Here's thet settin' o' eggs I promised 
ye. They are speckled. Hamburg every one. 

MRS. TRUE, 
I'm obliged to you I'm sure. I hope I can do something for 
you some time, {calls) Emmy, Emmy. 



MRS. GREEN, 
Aint thet Mis Peters' s 'la.sses jug? 



HUNKER'S P. O. 



MRS. TRUE. 

Yes, she's goin' to make mince meat tomorrow, {calls) Emmy 
come here. (Enter Emma trailing carpet rags.) Wh}- didn't 
you come when I first called you? 

I-I was a hurrying to get the rags sewed 'fore the green all 
run out. 

MRS. TRUE. 

Now see here, handle these eggs keerful, they're Hamburg, 
take them out an' set thet old hen thet's settin' in the corner of 
the wood shed. Don't joggle 'em any more than ye can help. 

{ExitEnmia.) Left door. (Stubs toes a?id nearly falls, 
shakes eggs. ) 

MRS. GREEN. 

Seems to me Mis Peters is late in the season fer her mince 
meat, but some folks alius behind with their killin' an' dryin' an' 
soap makin' an' she's one on 'em. 

MRS. TRUE. 
Everbody knows you're forehanded Mis Green, but taint 
everybody thet can be. There's she thet was Mary Higgins. 
She beats 'em all. She meant well an' was alius a tryin' to git 
ahead but she never seemed to git ketched up. After she hed 
them two pair o' twins she was worse than ever. She kep a 
washin' later an' later in the week, till finally it were Saturday 
'fore she got her washin' done an' the next week it strung along 
till Monday. She come in here a fellin' good 'cause she'd washed 
a Monday. I told our folks she needn't fell .so chirk about it, it 
was the week's before's wash if it was done a Monday. That 
was a month ago an' she's still washin' Monday, but as near as 
I can callate she's washin' a week behind. I aint heerd o' her 
doin' a extra one. 

MRS. GREEN. 
Well, well I never, such shiftlessness. I want seven pounds 
o' brown sugar. I don't think there's much sweetness to white. 
Hev ye ben buj'ing much maple sugar this season? 

MRS. TRUE. 

( Weighs sugar and consults a small book. ) ' 

Not much. Folks is makin' more molasses. Thet' 11 be 
forty two cents. 



HUNKKR'vS P. O. 



MRS. GREEN. 

How nuicli is sugar? 

MRS. GREEN. 
Five cents a pound, but thet .seems too much for seven 
pounds {consults book ) Thirty-five cents. I must a looked in the 
wrong place. 

MRS. GREEN, 
Hev ye got it down in a book? 

MRS. TRUE, 

Why yes, ye see its quicker. Sam got me a "read}- reckon- 
er" an' it don't take mc so long as it does to count it up. I've 
kind o' forget my mulplication table. 

MRS. GREEN, 

Yes, a body does git rusty. I used to sing the whole thing 
from the ones straight through to the thirteens, but I've forgot 
most everythin' now but the fives, [shigs) once five is five, two 
times five is ten, three times five is fifteen, an' four times five is 
twentv. 

MRS. TRUE, 

Yes, I knew it all once, an' could sing ever\- capital from 
Maine right .straight through. They don't hev any such .schools 
now as we used to go to. 

{Enter Emma) LEFT {sleeve and apron torn, shoes unlaced 
hair in disorder, puffing) 

EMMA, 

Well, I set her. She didn't want to .set after I'd got them 
eggs under her. I hed to run her down an' ketch her twict, an' 
she flopped roun' .so .she broke two o' them humbug eggs. 

MRS. TRUE, 
{Holds up hands) 

O, l^mmv. 

EMMA, 

( Cheerfully ) 

But I put two o' them cliiny eggs in an' turned the mop pail 
fown over her' an' I gue.ss .she'll stay .set. 
(Exit Emma) L. D. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Well I declare for it, .she gits stupider every day. I .spect 
them two nest eggs '11 hatch out chiny coachins. 



HUNKER'S P. O. 



{ Eyiter Kitty) C. D. 

KITTY, 
Mrs. True, ma wants to borrow a drawin' o' tea. 

MRS. TRUE, 

( Giving her the tea ) 

Tell yer ma, Kitty, that we keep tea to sell. 

KITTY, 
O, she knows it, but we don't like your kind. 
{Exit Kitty) CD. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Wal, did you ever. 

MRS. GREEN, 
Never. O, hev you .seen Kier Hill and his wife yet? 

MRS. TRUE, 
Yes, they've been in here two or three times. Kier's got 
real citified and styli.sh. 

MRS. GREEN, 
I .say she must be real shiftless. They say she keeps a girl 
an' hires her washin' done be.sides. I want a pound o' tea, green 
an' a quarter of a pound of ginger. 

MRS. TRUE, 

( Weighing up articles. ) 

Well, Kier must make the cattle bu.siness pay better than his 
father ever did. 

MRS. GREEN, 
Why, he liaint in the cattle business is he? 

MRS. TRUE, 
Yes, he is too. I heerd so much about what he did for a 
livin' I asked him pint blank an' he said he was a stock jobber. 

MRS. GREEN, 

He never seemed no great hand fer a job of any kind. I'll 
hev Jonah see him about old Brindle. She's gettin' too old to be 
good fer anything but beef. Mebby he can take her up to the 
city and sell her. 

MRS. TRUE, 

Yes, let him hev first chance. I believe in encourain' our 
own town boys. {Emmy appears in door.) (L. D.) Folks say 
that she has to hire all her dresses made. 

{Mrs. Green holding up hands.) 



HUNKERS P. O. 



MRS. CxREEN, 
Now. no one needn't tell nie that he makes money enough 
1)uyin' an' sellin' cattle to keep up any such style. There's a 
nigger in the woodpile there sure. {Emma disappears. ) 
MRS. TRUE, 
Mebby so. They are tryin' to git Kier's mother to go back 
home with 'em fer a vi.sit. 

MRS. GREEN, 
I hope she will, then we'll know all about how much they 
])ay the girl an' everything. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Yes, it would do her a world of good, I tell her. I've offer- 
ed to feed the chickens an' cat. She's kind o' skeery o' the cars. 

MRS. GREEN, 
Wal so's anyone else. You just take your life in your hand 
everytime you ride on the pesky things. I want a spool of white 
thread, number fifty. I guess that's all. I'm goin' over to 
vSarah's. Can't you go fer a little wdiile. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Yes, I guess I will, I've ben tryin' fer the last week to git 
over to borrow her ba.sk pattern. 

EMMA. 
{Rjiter Emtna breathless.) (E. D.) 
He's gone, he aint there. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Who aint where? 

EMMA. 
The nigger in Mis Hill's woodpile. I went over to .see him, 
but he'd got away. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Never mind, its a good thing if he has. Can you tend store 
awhile? There won't l)e anyone in 'le.ss its the .school younguns 
after something an' you can give it to 'em can't you? 

EMMA. 
Can't I what? 

MRS. TRUE, 
Giv. 'em what they want, candy, pencils, gum, you know. 
I aint never left her but I guess .she'll manage. 
{Exit Mrs. True and Mrs. Green) CD. 



HlJNKER'vS P. O. 13 



EMMA, 
Course I can run this store. Its easier than washin' dishes 
an' I rather do it. 

{Enter jimmy.) C. D. { aged tvoetce . ) 

Hul'o, Emmy where' s the boss? -I want a slate i>encil. 

{Lavs dozvji pemn\ ) 

EMMA. 
( Pushing back penny. ) 

She said if any of you.se wanted anything I was to give it to 
youse. 

( Gives slat: pencil. ) 

JIMMY, 
O, .she did, did she? I w.int a candy cigar an" a stick of 
gum an' a chunk of that candy. Say, I'll see you again. 
( Emma gives candy and gwn. ) 
(Exit Jimmv.) 

'^'ASH. 
( Ef/ier Wash. Worth/ess) 
Hullo, Emmy, you runnin this .shebang? 

EMMA, 

Runnin' it? 

WASH. 
Y-yes, bo.s.sin' the .store, .sellin' things. 

EMMA, 
Yes, do you.se want anything? 

WASH. 
Y-yes I want a pair o' .spenders. I'm goin to Shenango. 

EMMA. 
To She — who? 

WASH. 
T-to Shenango. I-I dunno jest where it is but I'm goin,' 

EMMA. 
Do youse know anybody there? 
WASH. 
No, I-I do know anylx>dy an' anybody don't know me, thet's 
why I'm goin.' I-I aint got no money or nothin' else. 

{turns pockets and leaves them) an-an I need .someone to take 
care of me. M-most of the boys has got waives, an' I-I want one 
too, .so I'm goin' to Shenango where don't nobody know me an' 
mebb}' I can find some fool "at '11 marry me. 



14 HUNKER'S P. O, 

EMMA, 

Aint it a nawfiil ways to Slieiiango? 

WASH.. 
Y-yes, its a thunder of a ways an' I'd liev to walk, [bright- 
ening.) S-say Emmy I never thought of you. Y-you might 
marry me. I'll give ye every cent I got. Will ye? Come on. 

EMMA, 

Come on where? 

WASH. 

Come on let's git married. W-we can go to the Falls to live, 
an' you could git plenty of work there, washin' and cleanin' an"" 
I-I'd take care of ye. W-will ye? 

EMMA, 
I'll see. I wouldn't be a marryin' everybody. (Enter three 
or four small boys led by Jimmy all asking for something. 
AH sea tier as Mrs. True comes in,) C. D. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Now, Wash, what are you hanging round here for? 

WASH. 
I-I jist come in to .see if ye got any pocket books. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Yes, we've got plenty pocket books, {lays out tzeo or three.) 

WASH, 

(Examining one carefully.) 
Ho-how much is this one? 

MRS. TRUE, 
Fifty cents. 

WASH. 
W-well I'll take this one. I-I guess ye can jist charge it. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Well, I rather guess not. You can jist leave it till I see 
your money. By the looks of your pockets I'd know you was a 
sufferin' fer a pocketbook. There comes Mis Peters back. I'll 
take her 'lasses out to her. 
(Exit Mrs. True.) 

WASH, 
I-I say Emmy, there's goin' to be a dance up to the Corners 



HUNKER'S P. O. 15 



an' I"m goin' to help take care of the horses for a ticket. D-do 
"S'ou want to go? 

EMMA, 
Well. I should say, but I can't, I aiiit got nothin' to wear. 

WAvSH, 
Y-ye don't need nothin.' Its a maskerade. I-I'ni goin' as 
a Duke. 

EMMA, 
What's a Dukei" 

WASH. 
A-a Duke is one of them fellars that wear a cape all lined 
with vermin and a feather in their hat an' walk this way, 

(S2vags;rr anvsi shii,'-^, hands in po<:k€ts) an say-" in that bright 
Mexican of yours they haint no sich word as flaik" 

EMMA, 
Where be youse a goin' to git the close? 

WASH. 

R-rent 'em fer two dollars. S-say can't ye lend me that much? 

EMMA. 

I aint got but two dollars, an' I've been a savin' of it to pay 
fer some shoes. Sa}', what do they call a Duke's wife? I'd like 
to be one of them. . 

WASH. 

A-a Duke's wife is a Dukess o' course, but you don't look 
like one o' them, an-an your feets to big an' ye don't walk like a 
Dukess. Say I heerd 'em talkin' bout a real swell girl that 
w^ent barefooted or .something. "Twillbe" they called her. Go 
as her an-an ye wont need no .shoes, an' I can have the money. 

EMMA, 
I-I'd hate to go barefooted to a party an' you — 

WASH. 

D-don"t you want to see 3'our Wa.shy a lookin' like a Duke? 

EMMA, 

Yes you.se can have it. ( Tyrs to find lier pocket) 
{Enter Mrs. Trve, ) 

MRS. TRUE, 
Clear out of here Wash. Go out an' bring in the mail bag. 
Rastus is just comin' over the further hill. {Exit Wash) 



i6 HUNKER'S P. O. 

Emmy, you go an' blow tlie horn fer Mr. True, he alius 
fergits when he gits to talkin'. 

{Exit Emma) L,. D. 

{Enter Mrs. Simp.) 

MRvS. vSIMP. 

Good afternoon Charity. I jist told Cy thet I was'nt goin' 
to stay cooped up there at .home any longer, ploughin' or no 
ploughin', and he could jist hitch up the horse. Hev ye heerd 
about CjCo. vSmith's baby dyin'? 

MRS. TRUE, 

Why. taint dead is it? 

MRS. SIMP. 

Yes, it is. Died last night 'bout twelve o'clock. We've 
hed a stroke o' bad luck too, lost our muley cow night afore last. 
They sent for a doctor but he didn't git there till after the baby 
was dead. Wle didn't know but that she might hev choked to 
death on a cob o' corn. Cy threw her two or three ears afore he 
came in to supper, an' when he w^ent out to shet up the barn fer 
the night, he found her stretched out dead. I stopped to see her 
on my way down. They've got her laid out on the parlor center 
table an' you never see a peacefuller lookin' corpse. All in white 
an' a bunch o' violets in her hand. ( Wipes eyes. ) She was the 
best cow we hed. The school-ma'am fixed her and stayed with 
'em last night. An' speakin' of the school ma'am makes me 
think, I wish the directors would get rid of her. She's too high 
filutin' fer us folks here* She's chuck full of these new langwid- 
ges, Latin an' Creek, an' twict a week she talks to the younguns 
'bout their insides, Fillology she calls it. Heaven knows w^ehave 
aches and pains enough now without huntin' round fer anj^ new 
thing, eperglottises an' the like to bother with. There's Eliza 
Strout. — 

( Enter Emma.) E. D. 

EMMA, 

What ye goin, to hev fer supper Aunt Charity? 

MRS. TRUE, 

Why, less see, there's them potatoes to warm, an' that cold 
corn beef left from dinner. You might open a can of tomatoeses 
an' make some biscuit. There's plenty of good fresh apple sauce. 

{Exit Emma.) E. D. 



HUNKER'S P. O. 



MRS. SIMP. 

Yes, as I was a savin' there's Eliza Stroiit, there never was 
a healthier woman than what she was afore her son Henry took 
to doctorin. He used to say he could sense anything better a 
studyin' of it out loud, so he used to set an' read out o' them 
doctor boohs o' hisen, an' she used to hear it, an' afore the winter 
was over she'd had every disease in his books an' some beside. 
My, how she used to suft'er. Got as poor as shad an' liked to 
died. After he went away to school she perked right up and 
haint seen a sick day sense. Some folks was mean enough to say 
thet if she hed to pay fer all the doctorin' she got that winter 
she'd got well sooner. I wouldn't repeat that, fer I dunno as its 
.so, but she's close there's no denyin' thet. I honestly believe 
thet she'd hev a run o' fever any day if she could be doctored 
through it free o' charge. 

( Enter Kitty ivith plaster. ) 

KITTY, 

Ma wants you to change this plaster an' give her a fresh one. 
This don't draw none. She's worn it a week an' her back aint 
no better. She thinks the strength must a ben gone fore she got 
it. 

MRS. TRUE, 

You tell yer ma thet we aint lied no new ones in sen.se she 
got this one. 

KITTY, 

Well, aint you got any porus plasters without the holes? She 
thinks mebby its the holes that don't draw. 
MRS. TRUE, 

No, no other kind. You tell yer ma to put a little cayenne 
pepper on afore she puts it on agin an' it will draw. 

{Exit Kitty.) 

{ Enter Emma.) L. D. 

I^MMA, ( With frying pan in her hand.) 

Say, Mis True, Mis Briggs is a goin' cross lots over toward 
Miss Reeves. She's got on her brown dress an' got a green pa- 
sol, an' is a carryin' a leather ridicule. You.se'll hev to hurry if 
you .see her .she's mo.st out of sight. (Both run to windoiv. ) 

{Exit Etnma hurriedly. ) 

MRS. TRUE, 

I wonder where Mis Briggs is a goin' anyway. 



i8 HUNKER'S P. O. 



MRS. SIMP. 
Most likely over to Deacon Pillsbury's. Speakin' of Deacon 
Pillsbury aint he the closest man you ever see. Hev ye heerd 
'bout him an' Mis Higgins's turkey? 
{E7iter Eva.) CD. 

EVA, 
O, Mis True, ma thinks the baby acts kind o' croupy an' 
wants to know what you would give her. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Tell yer ma to rub her chest well with goose grease and give 
her about a teaspoonful of skunk's oil an' keep her warm. 

MRS. SIMP. 
Tell yer ma to put onion drafts on her feet, that will start 
htr sweatin.' 

MRS. TRUE, 
I'll come in before bedtime an' see how she's gittin' on. 
Tell yer ma not to worry. I never saw a case of croup yet thet 
I couldn't get the best of. {Exit Eva.) I wonder why thet mail 
don't come. 

MRS. SIMP, 
Where was I, O yes, I was jist tellin' 'bout Deacon Pillsbury 
an' Betsey's turkey. I was into Betsey's when he come in an' I 
heerd him. You see Bet.sey's old yellow turkey made a nest un- 
der the line fence between her garden an' the Deacon's pasture. 
Deacon found it an' counted the eggs an' come in an' told her 
that seven was on his land an' she could give him seven of the 
turkeys when they were hatched or pa}^ rent. Now don't repeat 
thet a comin' from me. It may not be true you know. He's 
tighter than the bark on a tree. Speakin' o' trees makes me 
think o' Joe Spuller. 

MRS. TRUE. 
What's the matter o' Joe? 

MRS. SIMP, 
Why. aint you heerd how he broke his laig? Why, let me 
see 'twas last Friday. No, 'twas a Saturday, for I was jist wipin' 
up my floor when I seen the doctor go past an' go in there, so 
jist as soon as I got my moppin' done, I put on my sunbonnetan' 
hurried up there to find out what was the matter I didn't know 
but Mis Spuller was hevin' a fit. (Loud crash of broken crockery) 



HUNKER'S P. O. 19 



{Mrs. True calls.) ' 

Now what Emmy? 

{Enter Ermna carrying broken teapot. ) 



EMMA, 
The handle and spout is come off this ere teapot. 

MRS. TRUE. 
Come off? How did thet happen? 

EMMA, 
Why it dropped. 

( Mrs. True shakes head in despair. ) 
{Exit Emma.) E. D. 

MRS. SIMP. 
When I got up to Spullers I found out 'twas Joe. Seems lie'd 
gone up to the north lot to cut down an nold chestnut tree to make 
some rails, an' goodness knows he needs 'em. If his cows want 
so weak from starvation they could get over any fence he's got. 
Hecallated the tree wouldn't fall so suddint but it ketched him 
an' broke his laig. Them 'at has seen it say it broke off an' 
splintered up 'bout ten feet. He's gittin 'long first rate but the 
tree aint a mite o' good fer rails. 

MRS. TRUE, 

Now aint that too bad? Some folks do hev the worst luck in 
this world. I hope it'll all be made up to 'em in the next an' I 
rather guess it will. 

MRS. SIMP, 

Well, he didn't strike no great streak o' luck when he mar- 
ried Miriar Cobb. She's ben makin' a new rag carpet this spring 
though, jist got it home from Aunt Eecta's last Friday. I seen it 
go by. Its fer the settin' room and she's goin' to put the old one 
down in her bedroom an' two breaths in the kitchen. She didn't 
tell me so, she's tarnal close mouthed, Miriar is, but I seen that 
the tacks was out o' the settin' room an' bedroom carpets an' 
she'd jist finished cleanin' her kitchen floor Saturday an' about 
what two breaths would cover was jist wiped up an' the rest was 
scoured as white as soap an' sand could make it, shiftless. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Miriar' s kind o' weakly an' you must make some allowance. 



lO 



H LINKER'S P. O. 



MRS. SIMP, 
O yes, I alius do. That's mighty party calico you got there.. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Ves, aint it pritty. Mrs. Smart took enough for Kitty an" 
apron an' it washed so well she come back an' got enough for him 
two shirts an' her a dress. Charlotte got a dress, an' Jim a waist^ 
an' Reuben got some shirts, and the school-ma'am was lookin' at 
it last night- We've hed two pieces on it. 

MRS. SIMP. 

Let me hev nine 3'ards. I don't keer if the skirt is a little 
mite scant. Give me ten. I see the school-ma'ams got ruffles 
on hern. Ruffles must l^e comin' in agin. Say I seen Mis Pet- 
ers go by an 

iy Enter Samiiel True with mail bag fallou'ed by Wash.) 

WASH. 
Rat's old horse balked comin' up that last little pitch an' I 
thought we'd never git her started agin, 

MRS- SIMP. 
Feed her 'nough an' I guess she'd go. I seen him go by 

last week an 

{Enter Kitty.) CD. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Now what Kitty? 

KITTY. 
Ma wants to borrow a cake of ivy soap- 

MRS. TRUE, 

( Gives her soap and goes to help Mr. True sort the mail both 
stopping occasionally to glance over a postal card. ) 

Mrs. Simp to Kitty. ) 

Whats yer ma doin' these days, cleanin' house? (Kitty nods^f 
Did .she take up the settin' room carpet. Guess I'll step in to 
her house a minute while the}- are sortin' the mail. 

(Exit Mrs. Simp and Kitty.) 

MRS. TRUE, 
The minister's .sister is a comin' to visit him next week a 
Tuesday {consults postal card.) no a Thursday 'tis. Some folks 
writing looks like hen tracks. 



HUNKER'S P. O. 



[Emma sticks head in door witli face daubed -with Jloiir and a 
rolling pin in I/er I/and.) 
l Enter tramp.) C. D. 
Madam will you please give a poor invalid soldier a bite to 

eat? 

MR. TRUE. 

(/is Mrs, True starts to-ward kitchen door. 

Now Charity, don't be in a hurry, (to tramp.) Whats your 
business an' why aint ye at it sted o' trampin' over the country 
makin' honest folks feed ye. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Now Samel, don't be too hard on him. I'd rather feed a 
hundred that don't deserve a bite than miss one that did. {goes 
to left and speaks low to Emma who disappears.) 
TRAMP, 
I am not the one to take exceptions to what you say al)out 
gentlemen of my profession. I know we're a bad lot and could 
well be spared, but after all theres usually some good excuse for 
us. I know them better than you do and tramps are not alto- 
gether bad. They are men with kindly impulses and generous 
hearts, and every one of them has his own particular history, 
which, while it don't excuse him, does in a measure explain his 
pitiable condition. Goodness knows it nor from choice that I'm 
reduced to this plight, (brushes away a tear. ) there I've said more 

than I ought to, but you ma'am seem .so good that but of 

course you are not interested in my history. (Picks a cigar stump 
out of the box of sawdust and picts it in an old sardine box which he 
takes fom his pocket. 

MR. & MRS. TRUE. 
Yes, we be, tell us all about it. 

TRAMP, 
O, there isn't much to tell. My case is like thousands of 
others! When the call to arms came in '6i I wa.sn't the last to 
respond to that call. I left my happy home and for three years 
no man could say that Bill Smith ever quailed in the fac- of the 
enemy or flinched under fire. The thoughts of those dreadful 
years will always be uppermost in my mind and (putting; hand to 
shouldei and then to hip.) it would be miraculous if I did'nt bear 
on my person painful reminders of those awful days. When the 



HUNKER'S P. O. 



war dosed and I came back I found no cheerful hearth stone and 
happy family. I found no beautiful wife and prattling infant. 
No one could tell me where they were. There was no clue. I 
have wandered on and on, through sunshine and through rain. 
Whether the blue skies be smiling over head, or snow and rain 
beat pitilessly down upon this tattered coat. It is all one to 
a man without a home. I shall wander on and on until I find 
them or until I grow too feeble to pursue the tiuest. 

MRS. TRUE, 
{tvipes ejes.) 
Poor man, poor man. 

MR. TRUE, 
Well mebby I've misjedged ye. If I'd been through all that 
I might be tramping myself. Give him suthin to eat mother. 
i^blows his 7tose.) Dern that red pepper. 
{Enter Emma.^ 

EMMA, 
The bite's on the kitchen table Mis True. 

MRS. TRUE, 
{to tramp.) 

Go right out into the kitchen an' git a cup o* tea. It aint 
never goin' to be said of Charity True that she sent a hungry 
man from her door. 

{exit tyavip. ) E. D. 

eyitey Uncle Doo. shirt on wrotig side before a?id coat on his arm) 

UNCEE DOO. 
Afternoon Charity and Samel. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Why Uncle Doolittle what's the matter of your shirt? 

UNCEE DOO. 
It's made tother side to the irontfer style. That's w^hats the 
matter. The old woman got a new fangled pattern some'rs but- 
toning up behind. Nice way fer a man to button his shirt aint 
it, but the old woman's great on style. Purty aint it? 

MRS. TRUE, 
Now Uncle Doo, if you'd put thet on right it'd look nice an' 
be a good fittin' shirt. 



HUNKER\S P. O. 23 



UNCLE DOO. 

Now see here Charity all the women in vSlabtowii can't move 
me a mite, not a mite, {pounds on floor with carie.) I've button- 
ed my shirt down the middle of the front fer over eighty years 
an' Vn\goi7i' to button it there as long as I wear a shirt. If its 
any satisfaction fer the old woman to put the buzzom tother side 
from the buttons she can, she can,. I'm willin' to sacrifice some 
comfort fer style, but I shall button 'em where I dern please, 
(Entet M?s. Simp.) C. D. {sees Affs. Simp.) Is thet you Hit- 
ty Simpkins? I'd ask you the news but ye never know any, an' 
wouldn't tell if ye did. Now would ye? {helps himself to crack- 
ers. ) Crackers aint very fresh be they? {goes over to cheese and 
€71 ts off large slice. ) 

MRS. SIMP. 

I seen Jabe go by 

MR. TRUE, 
Thet cheese is fourteen cents a pound Uncle Doo. 

UNCLE DOO. 

Well, taint wuth it. Its frowy, taint fit to eat, but I got used 
to eatin' most anythin' in the war an' ye can't turn my stomach. 

WASH. 
W-want you afraid you-you'd git hurt in the war, Uncle Doo? 

UNCLE DOO. 

Fraid! Me Fraid! Young man do I look like a man afraid of 
anything? Didn't I tell you about my swinnnin' the Rappahan- 
nock. 

( Wash, shakes head, the rest nod their heads.) 

MRS. TRUE, 
O, yes Uncle Doo., we've all heerd of your brave fight and— 

UNCLE DOO. 
I want a talkin' to you Charity. I'm goin' to tell Wa.sh. here, 
an' it ton't hurt none on ye to hear it a second time. 

MRS. TRUE, 

{Aside.) 

Ninety-second would come nearer the truth. 
( Mrs. Simp, and Mrs. True go over to dry goods side and [Mrs. 
Simp, buys some handkerelriefs and stockings.) 



HUNKER'S P. O. 



UNCLE DOO. 
As I was goin' to say, me and six other men started out to 
see if we could find out what the dern Rebs was doin' on tother 
side o' the river. Jest afore the boat teched the other side, I 
grabbed my gun an' jumped out, an' 'bout a dozen of the dern 
varmints opened fire on me. The other fellars lost their heads 
an' turned the boat an' sent her scootin' fer the other shore. 
Think I was sheered ? Not a mite. Not a mite. I jest started 
out to swim thet half mile back with the bullets jest rainin' round 
me. The pesky Rebs had to come down close to the shore an" 
were firin' fast as they could load. I hed to dive out o' the way 
o' them bullets till I got bout half way across, then I jest turned 
over on my back an' floated an picked them Rebs off as fast as I 
could load and fire thet old musket o' mine. 

WASH. 
\\'-want yer powder wet ? 

UNCLE DOO. 
I do know whether 'twas or not, ner I don't ker, but I do 
know thet we rowed l^ack and found ele\-en of them fellars piled 
up there. Everyone on 'em weurin' a bullet in his heart fer a 
buzzom pin. 

MRS. SIMP. 
You alius was a brave man Uncle Doolittle, 'an a generous 
one. Hev ye heerd what the women think o' doin' now ? 

UNCLE DOO. 

No I aint heerd. Somethin' fooli.sh o' course. {Eats crackers 
and c/k'csc and herring.) 

MRS. SIMP. 

No, but we decided to the last society to see if .somethin' 
couldn't be done to fix up the buryin' ground fence. It needs it 
pow.rful l)ad. Cows a trampin' round in there, knockin' down 
the gravestuns. Ye can hev ever so satisfy in' a funeral fer yer 
friens, but it spiles the whole thing when ye get 'em to the sem- 
inary an' see cows a pokin' round, an' Deacon Sprigginses tum- 
stun a layin' flat, an' him alius sich a straight up an' down man 
his.self. Takes the pleasure all out of it. \\"e want to .see it fix- 
ed up. How much will you give ? 

UNCLE DOO. 

Now nuich will I give ? Not a cent. Not a cent, (pounds 



HUNKER'S P. O. 25 

on floor with cane.) I paid ten dollars fer a lot in thet buryin' 
ground mor'n twenty-five year ago an' I aint got a cents wuth o' 
use out out of it yet. I aint never hed a livin' soul buried there 
yet, an' ye don't ketch me sendin' any good money arter bad. 
Next thing you'll be wantin' to heV the grass out. Humph. 
MRS. SIMP, 

Ye might give somethin'. Every little helps. 

UNCLE DOO. ^ 

Not a cent. I aint a goin' to encourage a passel o' fool wo- 
men's stuck up notions, {crackers.) 

(Enter tramp wiping mouth.) 

TRAMP, 
That's the squarest meal I've had in a long time. 

MRS. TRUE, 
I wonder if you knew our Jim in the army. He was with 
Sherman on the march to the Sea. Was you with Sherman. 
TRAMP, 
(Just as he steps outside door.) 

No, I was in Canada, and don't worry about my family. I 
guess I'll find them as .soon as they want me. Good-day. 
MR. TRUE. 
The pascal. What did I tell ye mother? Ye feel sorry for 
him don't ye? 

MRS. TRUE, 
(slowly.) 

Yes, a good deal sorrier than I did before. A man that can 
tell such a lie, so unblushin'ly has lost all sense of decency an' 
honor, an' a man that has lost, that has lost more than wife an' 
children an' home, an' is more to be pitied. 

UNCLE DOO. 
Got took in agin, hev ye Charit}-. 
(Enter Kitty.) 

KITTY, 
Mis True, ma wants to borrow a comb for the company. The 
teeth's most all gone out o' ourn, 

MRS. TRUE, 
(goes to show case and gets comb. ) 
Here take this one, an' ye needn't bring it back. 
(Exit Kitty. I declare for it. She'll be wantin' to borrow 
Samel next. 



26 HUNKER'S P. O. 

(Enter Eva.) 

EVA, 
Any mail for our folks? 

MR. TRUE, 
Yes, here it is. 

EVA, 

Is that all? 

;'X: MR. TRUE, 

Yes, tiiat's all. 

EVA, 
Anything fer pa? 

MR. TRUE, 
Yes, an' its in there. 

EVA, 
Anything fer nia? 

MR. TRUE, 
If there is, its there? 

EVA, 
{starting away, coming back.) 
Aint there something fer grandpa? 

MR. TRUE, 
Now, see here little girl, its all there fer pa, ma, grandpa, 
grandma, uncles, aunts, cousins. Everything that goes up to 
your house. Now run along. 

EVA, 

{goes as far as door and coiues back. ) 

Are you sure there aint anything fer Aunt Hattie? 

MRS. TRUE, 
See here, Eva, here's a stick o' candy. Now run along home, 
your pa' 11 be anxious to get tliet circular ye got there. 
{Exit Eva. ) 

MR. TRUE, 
Now, mother ye mvistn't give away so much candy an' gum. 
We can't make nuthin' keepin' store if you keep givin' away the 
profits. 

MRS. TRUE. 
Now, don't you worry Sanjel, a stick o' candy aint much, an' 
r I'd rather make a youngun happy anytime than n;ake a dollar. 

MRS. SIMP. 
Anv mail fer me Samel. 



HUNKER'S P. O. 27 

MR. TRUE, 

Yes here's a letter. 

MRvS. SIMP. 

Now, I want to know {turning it over and over.) Well now 
who do you spose thet can be froni?.Chicago-I never knew anybody 
in Chicago. Sarah Ann Higgins had a niece thet married an' 
went to Chicago to live. Married pretty well too I guess, keeps 
a hired girl they say. I never .seen her but once, then I seen her 
go by. I don't believe its from her. It looks like a man's writ- 
in' too. There was thet man thet was a summer boardin' up to 
Hawkins's. He went to Chicago but I never seen him. Our 
mowin' machine was made in Chicago 

UNCLE DOO. 
Hitty, ril tell ye how ye can find out who its from. 

MRS. SIMP, 

Well, lid jest hke to know. 

UNCEE DOO. 

Why open it, open it. There aint no law agin it. {she op- 
ens it. ) 

MRS. SIMP. 

Its from a Miss Yale an' she's sent her picture an' .she says 
every woman kin be beautiful. If nature aint made 'em so she 
kin. Wal I dunno as I need any of her dope, I never was much 
on looks one way or tother, but if anything on earth kin be done 
fer thet nose o' Mariar Cobb's she ought to know it. Its quite a 
long letter an' I'll take it over to Mirandy Jane's and pursue it at 
my pleasure. Cy's comin' up after milkin' an' I'm goin' to wait 
fer him. 

{Exit Mrs. Simp ki?is.) CD. 

WASH. 
An-any post office fer me today? 

MR. TRUE. 
No Wash, she's forgot to write. 
WASH. 
How much is postage stamps by the dozen? 

MR. TRUE, 
Jest the same as by the piece. We don't sell 'em any cheap- 
er by whole.sale. 



28 HUNKER'S P. O. 



WASH. 

I kin git 'em two fer five to the Falls. 
{Enter Reuben. ) 

REUBEN, 
Howdedo Uncle Doo. Hullo Wash. Afternoon Mis True. 



Any mail Sam. 

{Mr. Tf tie gives him " Weekly Leader.'' ) 



REUBEN, 



Is this all? 
{ope7is and reads. ) 



MRS. TRUE, 
( readiyig paper. ) 
Why Samel, Adam Skinner's wife is dead. 

MR. TRUE, 

No, is thet so? Wal I guess she's glad she's dead. What 
does it sav? 

MRS. TRUE, 

Its a card o' thanks with some more 'tachek on. "I wish to 
thank my many friends and neighbors, also the choir, who done 
so much for my comfort durin' the sickness an' death of my dis- 
eased wife, Hanner, and who made the funeral so satisfactory, 
and one long to be remembered by one "who is left down here to 
mourn, an' who is now treadin' his lonely path alone." I also 
wish to announce that there will be a public sale at my place, one 
and one-half mile east of Dockville Center, Saturday May 15th. 
At which time I will offer for sale, tw^o good cows, ten sheep, 
six shoats, ducks, turkeys, hens, one good family horse, can be 
drove by a woman sound in every particular. Also one good two 
seated spring wagon and several farming utensils. Also some 
furniture and several articlesof female wearing apparel, belonging 
to my late wife who was keerful and equinomical, includin' one 
bunnit good for summer or winter, and a dolman good as new. 
Doughnuts and cider served to all at noon. 

I mourn my melancholy lot, 
She was to me so dear, 

The terms is cash upon the spot, 
Tim Bean is auctineer. 

I also take this opportunity to say that I wish to bu>- a sty- 
lish lookin' single top buggy, cheap for cash." 

Adam Skinner. 



HUNKER\S P. O. 29 

MR. TRUE, 
Well, he feels pretty bad, don't he? 

{^ Enter four or five small boys and girls asking for mail. All 
ask as they receive it ''Is this allV 

(Reuben folds paper and puts it in pocket.) 

REUBEN, 
Jocks, I'm goin' up to Cleveland some day. Kier Hill says 
its so thet they hev buildings up there ten an' fifteen stories high 
an' all the way up inside they have grave.stun steps. Gee, I'd 
like to .see 'em. 

UNCLE DOO. 
Yes, an' on top o' one o' them sky skaters, they hev got the 
machine thet runs the weather. I read 'bout it. 

REUBEN. 
Jocks, I'd like to git hold o' that machine till after I got my 
corn in. 

( Eyi ter Em ma.) L . D . 

EMMA, 
Be youse a comin' to supper 'cau.se its ready. 

MRS. TRUE, 
{takes up pait of large shoes. ) 
Here Emmy, your shoes hev come. 

EMMA, (taking shoes.) 
My, they look kind o' big, don't they? But I hev to wear 
big shoes on account o' my feet. 
{Exit Mrs- True and Emma. ) 

MR. TRUE, 
Uncle DooHttle, aint ye goin' home to supper? 

UNCLE DOO. 
No, I aint hungry the.se days. Guess my stummick's off. 
Taint never ben strong sense the war. I aint got no appetite, an' 
I aint a mite hungry, not a mite. 

MR. TRUE. 
Well, I guess you can keep store while I eat my supper. 
{attaches cord to door, which rings bell in house u'hen door opens) 
(Exit Mf . True. ) 



50 HUNKER^S P. O. 



REUBEN, 
Uncle Doo. speakin' o' that weather machine up to Cleveland 
I wonder if tliet aint the mayor's political machine. He's got 
one. I read 'bont it an' its a good stout one. 

UNCLE DOO, 

Now, see here young man if yer dont want to spile yer rep- 
ertation fore yer fairly grovved, you keep out o' pollyticks. You 
read the "'Leader" and vote the straight Republican ticket jest as 
yer father an' granfather did afore ye an 

(Loud whoa is hea>d outside. ) 

UNCLE DOO, 

K going to doo7 looking ojit. ) 

Here's one o' them drummers. They are great fer ketchin 
a body up, but I'm enough fer 'em. Watch me get the best o' 
him, 

( Enter drummer carrying sample ease. ) bell rings in house. > 

Enter from kitchen Mr. True cheiving and wiping mouth on 
back of hafid. ) 

WASH. 

Where's your drum Mister, where's your drum? 

DRUMMER, 
Good evening Mr. True, I'm a little late, but 

MR. TRUE, 
Hello, Hello, I guess I'm all stocked up so 3'ou needn't un- 
pack. 

DRUMMER, 
( openi)/g case. ) 
How about sugar. Sugar is going to advance. 

MR. TRUE, 
I got plenty, got most a hull barrel. 

DRUMMER, 
Coffee, Arbuckles or Lion? Tea, spices, beans, canned goods 
soap, starch, clothes lines, clothes pins, clothes pins are going up. 
A trust is after 'em. Brooms, pipes, tobacco, cigars. Good 
thing here in cigars. You take a thousand for thirty-five dollars 
and we throw in an encyclopedia. 

MR. TRUE, 
(going toivard kitchen.') 
Now, I couldn't ride one of the blame things if Ihedit. 



HUNKER'S P. O: 



"I don't need a thing, an I've got to finish my supper. The boys' 15 
be coniin' in fust I know. 

DRUMMER, 

{ folloithig him xip^ ) 

Soda, baking powder. Got a fine new prize sclienie here in 
baking powder. Here's something new in soap that I know yon 
want. Wool soap prevents flannels from shrinking. 

MR. TRUE, 

Our wonun folks all use .soft soap fer their wa.shin' 

DRUMMER, 

Yes, an' .shrink your woolen clothes all up .so that you can't 
'get them on after the first washing. I got some new underwear 
last winter. It was wa.shed wnth ordinary soap. After the sec- 
•ond washing I gave it to my twelve year old brother from him it 
passed to my .six 3^ear old nephew, and now— 

UNCLE DOO. 
Yes, now the baby's a wearin' of it. He, he, he, I've heerd 
thet same old story before. 

DRUMMER, 
Let me put you down for a few cakes, Mr. True, 

MR. TRUE, 
No, soft soap is good enough fer me, an' Fm goin' to finish 
my supper. 
( Exit. ) 

( Drummer repacks sample case. \\ ash gets behind Uncle Doo- 
little and drazvs a picture 0)i his shirt bosom xi^hile he tells story.) 

UNCLE DOO. 

{winks at Reuben. ) 

Say, young man ye never saw a hogskin harness, did yer.^ 
Speakin' of shrinkin' they are the things thet can shrink. I hed 
one when I first come to this country, made it m3-self an' 'twas a 
good one. I hed a team o' bosses then thet was a team. They 
could o' pulled old Bunker Hill monument right out by the roots 
if nothin' 'bout the harness didn't give wa>-. I was haulin' logs 
up to the house one day on a mud sled an' it come on a drizzly 
kind o' rain. I hed on a purty good load of logs .so I thought 
I'd jist keep on if it did rain, seein' twas my last load. I got 'em 
'bout four rods from the Ijack door an' just started up a little 



32 HUNKER'S P. O. 



pitch when the sled stuck. How them hosses did pull. By thet 
time the harnesses was purty wet, an' the blame tugs begun to 
stretch, an' every yank they give them tugs w'ould stretch 'bout 
a foot. Afore I knowed, the hosses were up to the door but the 
sled hadn't moved a peg. 'Twas gittin' dark so I jist took the 
harnesses off an' threw 'em over an old hickor>' stump. vSay in 
the mornin' the sun come out hot, an' the harness began to dry 
out an' shrink. 'Fore noon they hed shrunk back to their right 
size and hauled thet load of logs right up to the kitchen door. 

DRUMMER, 
Thats a pretty stretchy story, Uncle. 

REUBEN, 
Thets all .so, I know, fer Fve heerd Uncle Doo. tell it morn 
forty times. 

UNCLE DOO. 

No sir, there aint hothin' like hogskin fer stretchin' when 
its w^et. Its like injyrubber. 

DRUMMER, 
Speaking of rubber. Did you folks hear about the big fire 
in the rubber factory down to New York. 

UNCLE DOO. 
No, what about it? 

DRUMMER. 
Well, the fire was just an ordinary fire, but the night watch- 
man was asleep in the tenth story and didn't wake up until the 
elevator-shaft and stairway were all afire. The firemen could' nt 
get to him and it was looking pretty bad for him w^hen an idea 
struck him. He broke open some of the packing cases and took 
out some mackintoshes and hot water bottles and the like. He 
plastered himself over with the hot water bottles, and wrapped 
around the mackintoshes until he looked like a big rubber ball. 
Had an idea you know, that the rubber would sort of break his 
fall on the pavement. 

UNCEE DOO. 
Yes, an' he jumped out an' lit jist as soft as if he'd fell off 
the bottom rung of a ladder. 

DRUMMER, 
No, he hit so hard that he bounced up an' down for two days 
and a half and they finally had to shoot him. 



HUNKER'S P. O. 33 



UNCIvE DOO., REUBEN & WASH, 

Shoot him 

UNCLE DOO. 

What did they shoot him fer? 

DRUMMER, 
{grip in hand at door. ) 

Why they had to, the poor man was starving to death. Good 
night. 

{Exit.) 

UNCLE DOO. 
{stares after him ivith month open for several seconds. ) 

Wal, I swan, Jocks. 

REUBEN, 

( h elping h imself to crackers . ) 

Now, Uncle Doo, going back to pollyticks. 

I wish we hed free trade anyhow. It would be a big thing 

fer us farmers. 

UNCLE DOO. 

Wal, we haint got, so you kin jest keep out o' thet cracker 
barrel. 

{Covers it zvith a slam.) 

REUBEN, 

{gets np and goes over and sits on counter on fly paper. 

As I was a sayin' free trade would be a mighty good thing 
fer us farmers. Somethin's the matter with us an' I believe its 
the tariff thet's ailin' of us. Thet fellar thet made thet speech up 
to the Corners 'fore election said we was slaves an' hev got to be 
amaciated like the black .slave was, an' jocks, I believe it. 
UNCLE DOO. 

Stuff an' nonsense. 

WASH. 

When I git big enough Em goin' to vote, an-an I'll fix 'em. 

{Shakes fists.) 

^ ^ REUBEN, 

Is the Republican party goin' to do anythin' to amaciate us? 
Not much. Its a caterin' to the big corpulations an' us farmers 
kin look out fer ourselves. You haint got no free trade plank m 
yer platform, an' till you put one there I .shall stick to the Dem- 

"^^"''" UNCLE DOO. 

What's the good of a free trade plank. They might all be 
free trade planks, but they haint no good s' long's the Democrats 



34 HUNKER'S P. O. 



can't git in power, an' they can't, they can't. Keep on the big 
side, 'long with the folks with the money. Them's my senti- 
ments. 

REUBEN, {excitedly.) 
No .sir, it's the tariff thet's keepin' us down I believe, an' I'm 
goin' to vote with the party thet'll knock thet out. When I set- 
tle on a thing I stick to it. 

{gets up and walks around excitedly ivith the fly paper sticking 

to hi 771.) 

An jocks, I'm goin' to stick to this. 

UNCLE DOO. 
Wal, I rather guess ye be, cause ye can't git it off, but it 
don't make you look any prettier. 

REUBEN, 

{Peeli7ig it off.) I, jocks, aint thet enough to rile a fellar? 
What fer do they want to go a stickin' this pesky stuff round 
where folks is goin' to set fer? 

UNCEE DOO. 
There its off now ye better be kind o' keerful where ye set 
fer a few days. Say, Reub, did ye hear anything more 'bout that 
man thet got shot down to the Falls last week? 

REUBEN, 
Got shot? Where? How did it happen? 

UNCEE DOO, 
Wh}^ he bought a pound and an' paid fer it in Smith's store. 
He, he, he. Thet's one on 3'ou. {Laughs.) 

RUEBEN, 
That's a pretty good one. I'll work that on Sam when he 
comes in. 

{E7iter M7\ True.) REUBEN, ( Winking at Uricle Doo. ) 

Say, Sam, did ye hear 'bout thet mangettin' some shot down 
to the Falls last week? 

MR. TRUE. 
No, why? Did he get so much? 

REUBEN, 
No, he bought a pound an' paid fer it, but thunderation I 
don't see anv fun in it now. Uncle Doo, 



HUNKER'S P. O. 35 

UNCI.E DOO. 
{chuckling .^ 

No, nor don't nobody else. 

{Enter Mrs. True, LEFT, and Henry Jen ks, CENTER 
with an egg in each hand, falls and breaks one. Mrs. True picks 
him 7ip.) ' 

MRS. TRUE, 

What did 3-011 want Henry? 

HENRY, 

Mama give me an egg to get a nutmeg, an' one to get a stick 
of gum. I guess 'twas the nutmeg Qgg that broke, so I'll take 
the stick of gum. 

{Mrs. T) lie gives him both.) 

MR. TRUE, 
Now mother, mother eggs is only ten cents a dozen. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Yes, I know Samel, but there's quite a profit on nutmegs. 

MR. TRUE, 
Here Henry here's 3^er mail. 

HENRY, 
Thank you, .sir. 
{Exit Henry.) 

MR. TRUE, 
Tliet's a fine little boy o' Jenkses an' he'll mount to some- 
thin' some day. 

UNCEE DOO. 
Can't tell, can't tell the smartest ones usually turns out the 
worst. There's thet youngest Hendrick's boy, smart as a whip, 
didn't take nobody's sass. Could lick any boy in school, was the 
best fighter they hed. What's he doin' now? Preachin' up in 
Cleveland. 

MR. TRUE. 
Wal, he might o' done wor.se, an' I presume to say he's a 
good one. 

UNCLE DOO. 
Good enough as preachers go, but think of wastin' a boy like 
that fer a preacher. Why, he might a made anything of himself 
a lawyer or a pollytician, an' ben looked up to an' respected but 
he jist fizzled dowaa into a preacher. 



36 HUNKER'S P. O. 



MRS. TRUE, 
Now, see here Uncle Doo. yon are all wrong. It takes a 
mighty smart boy to make a good preacher, an' thems the kind 
we want, an' its a good sight more respectable than the lawyer 
business. Its the preacher thet smooths out the rough places in 
this world an' encourages us to live lovin', peacable lives with our 
neighbors, and the lawyer fellows is alius a stirrin' up trouble to 
make work fer themselves. Give us good, clean, straight timber 
fer our preachers, I saj^ an' put yer knotty, snappy, green stuff 
into lawyers, if we must have 'em. 

MR. TRUE, 

That's right mother give it to him. Your pintin' right as 
usual. If we had the right kind of preachers everywhere, I sus- 
picion there wouldn't be so much work fer the lawyers. 

WASH. {JuTnping up exidedly.') 
I-I forgot. M-ma wants a bottle o' lemon extry. 

MR. TRUE, 

{giving extract. ) 

Here, Wash, you .stop at Peabody's an' leave this pound o' 
soda. I promi.sed to send it up if I hed a chance. 

WASH. 
W-well I-I do know 'bout stoppin' there. The doctor says 
he's got information on the brain. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Well, that won't hurt you, will it? 

WASH. 
It-it may be ketchin' an-an I don't want to get nothin' on my 
brain. 

UNCEE DOO. 
There haint no danger, no danger 'tall of anythin' ever ef- 
fectin' vour brain. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Taint brain trouble anyhow. He took cold gatherin' sap 
buckets an' the doctor's afraid of ammonia. 

WASH, 
W-well I'll take it an' fire it over the fence an' yell an' run. 
{Exit.) 
{Entei Cy Simp, and Mrs. Hezekiah Hill froyn city. ) 



HUNKER^S P. O. 37 



CYRUS, 
Evenin' people. Got any new spring hats, Sam? 
{Mr. Tnte and Mt . Simp, try on hats, Reuben and Uncle Doo. 
i-alk and whittle, 

MRS. HILE, 
Good evening, Mrs. True. Have you any blue taffeta ribbon. 

MRS. TRUE, 
No, we've just got the plain taffy in a chunk. We aint ne- 
ver kept thet kind stnnig out into ribbon. I've seen it 
though, but I aint never seen any blue. 

(Ente^ Kitty. ) 

KITTY, 

Mis True, ma wants to know if you wont let Mr. True come 
over a little while an' help her stretch down the spare room car- 
pet. 

MRS. TRUE. 

Will I let him? See here you go home an' tell yer ma thet I 
aint never refused to lend her any thin' from a fine tooth comb to 
a settin' hen, but I draw the line at Samel. He aint to lend. 

Where's vour pa? 

KITTY, 

He's over to the blacksmith .shop talkin' ix»lly ticks to Jim- 

mie's pa. He told ma that Mr. Mills was on the fence an' he'd 

have to see him, but he wasn't. I went an' looked an' he was 

settin' on the horse block, an' pa went, and went to talkin' polly- 

tics with him. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Well, go tell him yer ma wants him to help her. 

KITTY, 
Well, he can't stretch carpet. It'll hurt his rhumatiz. 

MRS. TRUE, 
No, it won't. Not his kind. You go tell him. 

KITTY, 
He'll say he's too busy to come. 
( Exit Kitty. ) 

MRS. TRUE, 
He's afeerd the country will go to rack an" ruin if he lets up 
on his poUyticks fer a minute. If sich men as him would take as 
much interest in their famblys as they do in their pollyticks the 
country wouldn't need .so much lookin' after. 



38 HUNKER'S P. O. 

CYRUS, 
I guess I'll take this one Sam. Its more beconiin'' an' seems 
to fit me, an' I want five pomids o' ten pemiy nails an' a. plug o" 
tobaccv. 

MRS. HILL. 
Mrs. True, have you any filo floss? 

MRS. TRUE, 
(scttt?ig out box of files. ) 

We hev the files; alius keep 'em, but we aint never hed any 
call fer the other stuff. 

MRS. HILL, 
Well, let me have a spool of white silk. Perhaps that wall do. 
{Enter school-ma'am, Nellie Jones.) 

NELLIE. 
Good evening everybody. What a perfect day we have had. 

UNCLE DOO. 
See here, young woman. Be you the school-ma'am. 

NELLIE, 
Yes, Mr. Doolittle. I am the school-ma'am, 

UNCLE DOO. 
Well, you look as though ye ought to know somethin.' 

NELLIE, 
Thank you, sir. 

UNCLE DOO. 
But yer wrong on some pints, your wrong on some pints. I 
hear thet yer learnin' them younguns that the world air round. 
Air thet so? 

NELLIE, 
I have been teaching that. You don't think I'm wrong on 
that point, do you, Mr. Doolittle? 

UNCLE DOO, 
I don't think nothin' 'bout it. I kfiouf. You've ben learn- 
in' of 'em wrong an' I want it stopped. The Bible tells us of the 
four corners of the earth. If its got corners it can't be round. 
You can't go agin the Bible {pounds floor ivith cane.) You can't 
go agin the Bible. 

NELLIE, 
W^ell, Mr. Doolittle I will investigate further, {goes ovc> talks 
to Mrs. Hill. ) 



HUNKER'S P. O. 39 

UNCLE DOO. 

Dew so., dew so. You'll find yer wrong. 
iEntef Bride. ) 

BRIDE, 
Mrs. True, I want some mustard. 

MRS. TRUE, 
How much do you watit Jennie? 

BRIDE, 
Why, let me see. I guess two or three pounds will be-enough. 

MRS. TRUE, 
We have it in half pound and quarter jwund packages. I 
guess quarter of a pound '11 be enough fer you an' John. 

BRIDE, 

Yes, plenty thank you Aunt Charity, and I want some 

sugar. 

MRS. TRUE, 
How much, Jennie, 

JENNIE, 
Why quarter of a pound. 

MRS. TRUE, 

1 guess a pound o' sugar won't be too much. 

JENNIE, 
Thank you. Aunt Charity, I wish you'd tell me how to make 
those buckwheat cakes again. I made some but they were not 
right. John laughed at them an' called them biscuits. {wipes 

€yes. ) 

MRS. TRUE, 
Why you poor child you put too much flour in. Never mind. 

I'll drop in tonight an' .stir 'em up for ye, an' show ye jest how. 
John won't find no fault with 'em. I'll warrant. 

{Exit 'Bride.') 

{Enter Was])., running, falls full length:) 

WASH. 
There's a Eyetalian comin' with a whoppin' great bear. 
{gets behind counter and gets cheese knife.) 

UNCLE DOO. 
A bear? Bears aint nothin'. If you'd seen as many bears 
as I hev ye \TOuldn't be so .skeerd on 'em. Why, in the spring 



40 • HUNKER'S P. O. 



o' 1 830 they was so thick they tromped our corn all down into the 
mud and killed it an' one of the pesky varmints come right into 
the house an' carried off a hen that was a settin' in the corner of 
the kitchen. I've killed as high as twenty in one day. 

REUBEN, 

That's so. I've heard Uncle Doo. tell it morn than forty 
time. 

UNCLE DOO. 

'Member one day I was fishin'. Settin' dowm on thet pint o' 
rock thtft sticks out over the river doawn in Simpkinses' back 
parster, w^hen I heerd a kind o' grunt an' looked round to find a 
almighty great bear stannin' right behind me a lickin' his chops, 
an' a grinnin' to think how he'd ketched me. 

{Exclamations of Wash, horror from Mrs. Hill and School- 
ma'am, the rest look bored.) Addressing himself to Mrs. Hill and 
V^ellie.) Now, what you spose I done? I didn't want to git wet 
by jumpin' in the river so I jist set about charmin' thet bear with 
my eye. He begun to back away an' me a follerin' an' I snum, 
you might not believe it, but I backed the critter over them t^s'o 
miles home an' into the smoke house jest with my eye, an him a 
growlin' every step. I shut him in and went to the house an* 
got my gun an' finished him. 

MRS. HILE, 
That's a pretty big bear story. Uncle. 

UNCLE DOO. 
'Twas a big bear. He was the biggest one ever seen in these 
parts. The whole neighborhood lived on bar meat fer weeks. I 

aint afeerd o' any bar thet 

(Enter Italian with bear , followed by fimmie, Kitty, Eva, Henry, 
Mrs. Simp, Mirandy, jane, [Mr. Hill. 

( Uncle Doo. in his haste to get behind the counter, tips over the 
cracker barrel. (Mr. True scoops up crackers and puts them back in 
barrel. 

ITALIAN, 
Twentyfivi centi make de bear dance. 

MR. TRUE, 
Too much Mr. Italy. Ten cents, 
ITALIAN, 
No teni centi, twenty centi. 



HUNKER'S P. O. 41 



MR. TRUE, 

All right, stir him up an' we'll take up a collection. 
( bear dances. ) Applause. 

ITAUAN, 
Bear much tired, no more dance. 
{exit Italian and bear. ) 

MRS. TRUE, 
What are 3'ou younguns slicked up so fer? 

KITTY, 
\Vh}', Mis True its the last day o' school, an' we spoke pieces 
an' spelled down an' Mr. Hill an' Mis Hill sung fer us an' 

MRS. TRUE, 

Fer the lan's sake, I clear fergot the last day of school, an' I 
alius try to go, even if my own younguns is all growd up an' 
gone. I'm di.sapinted. I would'nt missed it fer anythin'. Kit- 
ty won't you speak yer piece fer me? I hate to miss it altogether. 

[voice from ontside.) Jimmie, Jinmiie. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Jimmie, your mothers callin' ye? 

JIMMIE, 
(sitting on counter.) 
I know it. {spits. 

NELEIE, 
Come Kitty you speak your piece. 
{Kitty speaks. 

UNCLE DOO. 
Mirandy Jane you .sing something. Your singin' alius makes 
me think of the birds a singin' in the airly mornin' when we're 
a leetle mite nearer Heaven than we be any other time. 

MIRANDY, 

Thank you. Uncle Doolittle. I'll sing fer you but {to Mr. 

and Mrs. Hill.) I never went to singin' school but one term. 
{sings ' 'Do they Miss ?ne at Home. ' ' ) 

While Miranda sings, Reuben appears to buy a hoe or some other 
farming utensil. 

UNCLE DOO. 
{speaks Riley's ' 'A71' old played oJit song ' ' aiid all sifig the 
first verse of ''Do They Miss Me" very softly aftet he has finished.) 



42 HUNKER'S P. O. 



MRS. SIMP, 
I'd like to hear Mr. Hill sing something. You used to hev 
quite a knack fer singin' when ye was a boy. 

MR. HII.L. 
Well, I'll do the best I can, though I'm not used to singing 
without my music, (sin^s Annie Laurie.) 
{voieefivjn outside.) Jimmie, Jimmie. 

MRS. TRUE, 
You better go an' see what yer ma wants, Jimmie. 

JIMMIE, 
I know what she wants. She wants me to come home, but 
I aint goin' till I git good an' ready. 

MRS. TRUE, 

Wal, if ye don't go till ye git good I'm afeerd she's got a 
^ong wait before her. 

{ Man' s voice from outside.) James. {Jimmie makes one 
bou7id/or the doo? and disappears.) 

MRS. TRUE, 
It didn't take him long to git ready after his pa called. 

REUBEN, 
How much did ye git fer the molasses ye sent up to Cleve- 
land Cy? 

CYRUS, 
Wal, I didn't git so much as I was callatin' on but I didn't 
spect I should. 

UNCLE DOO. 
I spose Kier, you've got to be one of them bicycle dude fel- 
lars thet go skylootin' through the country skeerin' decent folk- 
ses horses aint ye.'' 

MR. HIEE, 
Yes, I do ride a wheel and its good excercise for one too. 
Better get yourself one Uncle. 

UNCLE DOO. 
No, I don't need one. I haint got so dumb lazy set thet I 
hev to set down to walk. 

WASH. 
I-I-I use to spoke a piece. Wh-wh-when I went to the last 
dav t-too. 



HUNKER'S P. O. 43 



MR, TRUE, 
Well, lets hear your piece, Wash, 

MRS. TRUE, 
Now, Pa I don't believe he knows any thin' 

WASH. 
Y-y-yes I do Mis True. T-teacher learned me. 

REUBEN, 
Well, let'er go Wa.sh. 
( IVask. speaks " IV/im the Green Gits back in the Trees'' -Riley) 
(^Enter Italian buys crackers and herring and eats. ) 

NELLIE, 
I should like to hear Mrs. Hill .sing again. Do you .sing 

Sweet Afton?' ' 

MRS. HILL, 
I'll do the best I can but I'm not sure that I know it all. 
{sings. ) (Mrs. Simpkins buys a broom. ) 

NELLIE, 
Now^ Eva, you speak your piece for Mrs. True, 
( Eva speaks. ) 

CYRUS, 
Wal, come on Hitty, I guess the old hoss'll be ready to go, 
standin' all the afternoon in the meetin' house .shed. 
MRS. SIMP, 
I aint goin' a step till I hear Mirandy Jane sing again. Cant 
ye sing thet rocky bye baby song? 
( Mirandy sings Lullaby. ) 

MRS. HILL, 
Is there not something that we can all sing? 

UNCLE DOO. 
We kin sing Old Folks to Hum, an' I wish ye would. These 
new fangled pieces aint got no music in 'em. Its most my bed 
time an' I must be peggin' towards home so jest sing that fer a 
good night one an' we'll all pull out an' let these folks .shet up 
the store and go to bed. (All sing and go out as they are singing 
last chorus. Leaving Uncle, True and wife and Emma alone. ) 
MRS. TRUE, 
Emmy, you better go to bed, you know you hate to git up an' 
I hev to call you two or three time. 
(^exit Emvia yawning. 



-c? I 1900 

44 HUNKER'S P. O. 



MRS. TRUE, 
Now Samel, I guess I'll jest run up an' see how Mis Todd's 
baby is, an' take a plate of doughnuts up to Mis Warren. If she's 
hed toothache fer two or three days she must be 'bout out 'o 
bakin an' I promised I'd run in an' set some buch wheat cakes 
for Jennie. I won't be gone long an' its only half past seven. 

MR. TRUE, 

vSeems to me. Charity, yer alius tuckerin' yerself out waitin' 
on other folks. Why don't yer let 'em wait on you a spell? 

MRS. TRUE, 
The Lord made me able to wait on myself, an' I thank Him 
for it. If some of the rest of His children are kind 'o helpless 
an' need a lift once in a while, I ca late He rather expects me to 
turn in an' help, an' He has a right to expect it, seein' as He has 
made me strong an' healthy. 

MR. TRUE, 
Mebby so, mebby so. Charity, but you spend your whole life 
a doin' fer others. 

MRS. TRUE, 
Well, Samel, that's all life's for, jest helpin' others an' I never 
yet seen the man or woman that was so poor or so fur down that 
they couldn't find someone worse off an' give 'em a lift, if they 
was a mind to. ( Takes plate of doughnuts and goes out, calls back) 
don't fergit to put the nail over thet window. 

MR. TRUE. 

(Busy straightening store and locking up, takes cash from box 
and puts it in old blue sock.) Well, she's alius a mind to. She's 
rightly named, Charity. Never a better woman lived. She's too 
good to be a runnin' a country store, but we do a heap o' other 
business. We seem to hev in connection a free dispensary an' 
free restaurant, a hospittle, a information bureau, readin' room, 
cookin' school, nursery, an' Heaven knows what else. Why, one 
of them settlement houses we read about up to the city can't com- 
pare with us for helpf ullness in the community. I aint sure that 
the folks appreciate all this, but they ought to an' stand right up 
fer the Post Master's wife and fer Hunker's P. O. 

(Curtain goes down while Mr. True stands in the middle of the 
sta^e, slowly idnding a big, oldfashiohed silver watch. 

s 



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